Aaaagh!! Rapid Cycling

The last few days I've been waking up feeling relatively normal.  As the day progresses my mood shifts into self pity, loneliness, and depression.  And by the time I'm ready to go to bed I am so depressed I start crying and having thoughts that this life is not worth living.  I go to sleep to wake feeling normal again and again by bed time I am in the same depressed state... how I hate not having control over my moods.  What I would give to have relief.  Such is the bipolar life.....   

We Lie

People with Bipolar lie. We lead secret lives. People walk by and they ask breezily, "How are you?"
And we have to lie.
Because 1. They really do not want to know how we feel. "How are you?" is a social marker to indicate that you notice someone exists. Explaining how we really feel would take some time, is too intimate a reveal, would invite criticism or pity or, maybe worse yet, advice...
So we keep it inside. Lying, hiding, shying away from self-revelation becomes a way of being.
I am an incredibly good listener. People open up to me and tell me things they have never told anyone else. Am I a good listener because I want to hear all about them? Not always. But it does mean that while we are talking about them, we are not talking about me!
It is the simple "how are you's" that get me.
So I have affected this very even, extremely polite, interested in what the other person has to say demeanor and I do this even when the inside of me is SCREAMING.
I even lie to my husband. He called and said he was going out and would not be home for dinner. I said great and then I settled in for a nice cry (I was reaching the bottom of my crash), took some trazadone, and planned to take a hot shower and eat comfort food while weeping over a movie...but he stopped by to get a jacket. He called up the stairs, I called down. He asked "What are you doing?" Ah. I came out of the hills with my hands up, "Oh, just having a panic attack, boo hooo hooo, don't mind me...it will pass..." "Do you want me to stay home?" "Oh, no, no need, boooooooooooo...." I sincerely did not think he needed to stay home with me. I know a crash when it happens, it's a physical thing...so I downplayed it and he left...but he did come back early and we did watch some TV together like we do every evening.
I think the mood swings are my business. They are not connected to reality so why cling to them, just let them go. That's why I always reply "I'm fine" when people ask, because underneath it all, I am fine.

Hypomania...a double edged sword

I always seem to have trouble keeping tabs on my mood.  I can switch moods so quickly sometimes I don't even grasp that it's happening.  I become irrational...  So here is a list of symptoms of hypomania, it helps to serve a reminder that you don't usually do these types of things.  A great way to protect you or your family from grief.

Hypomania symptoms

•      You don't need much sleep.

•      You're more talkative than usual or feel pressure to keep talking.

•      You are experiencing a flight of ideas or feel that your thoughts are racing.

•      You are easily distracted.

•      You are driven toward accomplishing specific goals (either socially - at work or school - or sexually) or you are experiencing psychomotor agitation.

•       You have grandiose thinking. For example, you believe you are better than anyone else at doing something or that you can accomplish a difficult task in hours instead of days.

•       You've become excessively involved with pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences, such as unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments.

Some Expressions of Hypomania

Here are just a few examples of hypomanic behavior:

•               Hypersexuality, which may take many forms such as making unusual demands on your partner, making inappropriate sexual advances, having affairs or spending a great deal of money on phone sex, Internet pornography or prostitutes.

•               Unusual irritability, excitement, hostility or aggression.

•               Behaving inappropriately; for example, making crude remarks at a dinner party.

•               Spending recklessly, such as buying a car when you can't possibly make the payments.

•               Talking so fast that it's difficult for others to understand.

•               Dressing and behaving flamboyantly.

•               Jumping from one subject to an unrelated subject while speaking to someone.

•                Taking chances you normally wouldn't because you "feel lucky."

Excellent video about the stigma of mental illness, a hope to change attitudes.....

Change in Medication

So a week yesterday I went in to see my doctor, my prescriptions had run out.  We have decided to stop the mirtazipine as the weight gain was worrisome.  And I am now taking Trazadone 50mg before bed each day.  The first few days of transition were a bit rough.  I was having bizarre dreams, a reduced need for sleep, and extremely tired during the day.  My anxiety started to ramp up but today my symptoms have started to subside.  Thankfully!  Fingers crossed that no side effects occur and life can continue as best as it can when you have a mood disorder.
Aug. 1st: my dosage has settled out to 2 pills every day at bedtime.  Feeling more optimistic, sleeping!, no more anxiety!

Feeling uneasy

Don't know what it is but today I have been feeling uneasy...a tinge anxious.  Headache looming, irritated....  I hope this is not a precursor to depression or hypomania....  I hate feeling like this!
The last little while I have been very isolated during the weekdays...no urge to call or talk to anyone, bored, lonely.....  But the only person to blame is myself.  I wish I were more outgoing and less awkward in social circumstances.

Here is a link to a great documentary by Steven Fry about bipolar disorder.