Life continues...

I am absolutely terrible about writing on here.  But here we go again.
Our youngest child is now nearly 13 months old and an absolute joy.  Our eldest is now 5 years old and in Kindergarten.  I am a stay at home mom now and we moved out of the city to a rural neighbourhood, it's idyllic to say the least living here.  We are close to the Rocky Mountains, wildlife frequents our property, it's not strange to see a family of deer peering back at you through your window in the early morning or evening.
I have had a long period of mental stability, not to say that I don't still have dark days or insomnia or anxiety.  Believe me I still have my daily struggles, but I have noticed that these periods do not last for all that long and are usually a result of me not doing those things that promote my own wellness.  I sometimes don't eat regularly or drink enough fluids, I sometimes don't go to bed at night even though I know I should, or I don't reach out and socialize, or go outside and get some exercise and fresh air.  I struggle to be good, but it's easier at times to be lazy and sick.

Other disappointing things about me

Feeling better as of yesterday, depression has lifted... yet again.  I'm still going to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow, tell her how I was feeling super shitty for a few days - she'll ask about changing meds, dosage, etc...  I don't want to mess with meds yet again - more often than not messing with them just puts me into a deeper depression and I return to my usual dosages or drugs to bring myself back to what I can handle.  If you call being stable for the most part, still avoiding people out of my trusted circle of people, mostly bored, and disappointed in myself, handling it.  It's better than wanting to die or swinging in to fits of rage and irritability.  I find sometimes I'm downright dangerous, or neglectful.  I can tune out just about anything without any trouble, child screaming? no problem - ignore it... until you feel bad and go and pick up the baby.  Preschooler running around doing god knows what? no problem - become blind to what's going on until a) she's crying b) doing something destructive c) or dangerous...
Two rambunctious dogs?  lock them out in the yard and ignore them.  Cat annoying you or getting into things?  lock her in the basement and ignore her cries for release...
Yes I'm good at tuning out, tuning out to a fault.  To the point I feel awful about the time I've wasted, for ignoring my child, realizing I haven't eaten anything for 6 hours or drank anything for an entire day, or staying up far too late.  I just don't know how to stop, how to live in the moment, to connect to my kids and my husband.
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine.  The entire right side of my head just hurts... throbs.... Advil takes most of the pain away but it doesn't last long.  Perhaps it's a result of sleep deprivation, sleeping wrong while breastfeeding in bed and making room for baby - my neck and shoulders are usually stiff and sore, or my chronic dehydration.  I weighed myself the other day, now down 10 lbs, not trying to lose weight... just not eating anything between breakfast and dinner.
Don't know how to break my bad habits.  I guess if I felt good, rested, optimistic I would make more of an effort.

Don't give a damn, but then I do...

I have those fleeting thoughts while laying in bed in the early morning about not wanting to exist.  How I might kill myself.  But, then I automatically start thinking about how I don't want to make a mess, so the location then becomes the bathroom.  Then, I have to start thinking about how I don't want my kids to be alone, and how to have someone be here right after I am dead to take care of them.  It then just becomes a logistical nightmare and I give up on the whole thought process.  And in reality it's not something I would ever do anyways.  I love my family too much to cause them that type of pain.

Dark Thoughts

So right now my medications are:
Effexor XR 225mg/day, Zoloft 50mg/day, Trazodone 100mg/day.
Mood swings are still there.  Last week I didn't leave the house for 3 days, not even to go outside.  And of course this added to feeling depressed.  I was supposed to go out with a local moms group a couple times but decided that I didn't want to get out of bed that early - they were for 9:15am.  And with my daughter being in afternoon classes M-F a chance to sleep in is not usually missed.  Our new baby was born on August 19, a girl - happy and healthy.  She just turned 5 months today - sleep has of course been only 4 hours at a time at night - with breastfeeding and diaper changes.
Another symptom of depression that I have is irritability.  My children do not irritate me, but the four legged animals in our house do.  Our cat drives me nuts - she meows constantly - and when it's around feeding time she is downright obnoxious.  She cries constantly and attempts to trip me until I fill her bowl.  Even when I go to fill her dish she is so impatient that she will usually slap my hand while I pour  the food.
So while I was in an especially bad mood I just couldn't take the noise coming from her anymore and scruffed her, grabbed her by the throat and squeezed while promptly tossing her out on to the front porch.  I sometimes get so irritated that I have a tendency to lash out.  I am not proud of this and actually ashamed of my actions.  I even had contemplated how to kill her on more than one occasion.
Our two dogs on the other hand are just dirty beasts.  They eat poo on a continuous basis, and destroy any kind of cleaning that takes place around here.  I do not lash out at them, but I really don't see a need for them.  I have thought about giving them away or taking them to a shelter, but I know this would be seen as completely unacceptable by my family.  And the problem also lies with me, I decided to get all of these pets in the first place.
It seems that after having children that my patience for our furries has completely disappeared.

I am making a conscious effort to get to bed at a decent time each night, my husband goes to bed around 11-1130pm so I just follow along.  I do still fall into the habit of staying up until 4 or 5am on a frequent basis.  And when I do so I find myself sneaking up to bed and hope that my husband doesn't catch me up at that hour.  I tiptoe up the stairs, get undressed and into a nightshirt in the bathroom, and very gingerly I slip under the covers to be undetected.
My personal hygiene is usually something that suffers as well, I will go without showering for 4 or 5 days at a time, my hair gets all greasy, I neglect to brush my teeth, and I don't look in the mirror except for the half second it takes to brush my hair.  I have to go get 4 fillings this month as of course without taking care of my mouth I have to pay the price.  Very rarely will I wear a stitch of makeup, unless I am going somewhere and feel ashamed of my unkept appearance.  Very frequently I just don't care enough to make an effort, I just don't see the point.
Somehow I still manage to care for my children - they are never neglected.  I only save that for myself, I have lost 10lbs just due to the fact that I usually don't eat anything in the afternoon.  So I usually eat a half decent breakfast with my older daughter, once she is off to school I just don't make the effort to prepare anything for myself while I'm on my own.  And once my husband and her have arrived home later I do make dinner.  I usually have a large portion and a dessert.  I also don't usually consume enough water and am chronically dehydrated.
I have an appointment on Tuesday with my psychiatrist to tell her all of this and see what she says.  I will post an update then.

Hey I'm back

Well it's been ages since I've posted here.  And I do apologize.  So I thought I would catch everyone up on what has been happening since then.

Well first thing, we're having another baby!  We are due at the end of August and are beyond thrilled.  We don't know if it's a boy or a girl - I love surprises.  I finished work to go on mat leave just last week, as my job required me to be on my feet for most of the day - my back and pelvis couldn't take it anymore.  So with 7 weeks left to prepare and spend a gorgeous summer with my 4 year old daughter.

As far as the bipolar goes I have been feeling good, pregnancy agrees with my brain and all those good hormones stabilize me to a good extent.  I am still taking 225mg effexor and 100mg Trazadone everyday, but why mess with something if it's working for you right?

My doctor has put in a referral for me at the Women's mental health center here at the local hospital.  It's for pregnant and postpartum mom's dealing with mental health issues.  A safety net she has called it, just in case there is a sudden shift in my moods before or after this baby is born.  So I go for my first meet and greet in a few weeks time with the psychiatrist on staff.

I have improved in the area of social isolation, with feeling relatively "normal" I have reached out more to those few friends that I have.  My sister and I have also gotten together more and have become closer.  My mom is also a huge support and is always there if I need her, even if it's just to get out of the house when I know I need to.  My daughter is also very busy and helps to get me going and out doing things as she gets bored easily and I want her to do the normal childhood things like riding her bike, going to the zoo, playing outside on a hot day, going to the pool etc....

Mental illness is so much easier to manage when you have a strong support system.  I also found out with my last breakdown who my real friends were.  Those who were too scared or uncomfortable soon fell to the wayside and avoided me like the plague.  But the ones who stuck by me were the few but the ones who saw me and not my illness.  I am so thankful to have them in my life.

Loneliness....

I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.

I don’t reach out to friends. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal.  I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.

Aaaagh!! Rapid Cycling

The last few days I've been waking up feeling relatively normal.  As the day progresses my mood shifts into self pity, loneliness, and depression.  And by the time I'm ready to go to bed I am so depressed I start crying and having thoughts that this life is not worth living.  I go to sleep to wake feeling normal again and again by bed time I am in the same depressed state... how I hate not having control over my moods.  What I would give to have relief.  Such is the bipolar life.....   

We Lie

People with Bipolar lie. We lead secret lives. People walk by and they ask breezily, "How are you?"
And we have to lie.
Because 1. They really do not want to know how we feel. "How are you?" is a social marker to indicate that you notice someone exists. Explaining how we really feel would take some time, is too intimate a reveal, would invite criticism or pity or, maybe worse yet, advice...
So we keep it inside. Lying, hiding, shying away from self-revelation becomes a way of being.
I am an incredibly good listener. People open up to me and tell me things they have never told anyone else. Am I a good listener because I want to hear all about them? Not always. But it does mean that while we are talking about them, we are not talking about me!
It is the simple "how are you's" that get me.
So I have affected this very even, extremely polite, interested in what the other person has to say demeanor and I do this even when the inside of me is SCREAMING.
I even lie to my husband. He called and said he was going out and would not be home for dinner. I said great and then I settled in for a nice cry (I was reaching the bottom of my crash), took some trazadone, and planned to take a hot shower and eat comfort food while weeping over a movie...but he stopped by to get a jacket. He called up the stairs, I called down. He asked "What are you doing?" Ah. I came out of the hills with my hands up, "Oh, just having a panic attack, boo hooo hooo, don't mind me...it will pass..." "Do you want me to stay home?" "Oh, no, no need, boooooooooooo...." I sincerely did not think he needed to stay home with me. I know a crash when it happens, it's a physical thing...so I downplayed it and he left...but he did come back early and we did watch some TV together like we do every evening.
I think the mood swings are my business. They are not connected to reality so why cling to them, just let them go. That's why I always reply "I'm fine" when people ask, because underneath it all, I am fine.

Feeling uneasy

Don't know what it is but today I have been feeling uneasy...a tinge anxious.  Headache looming, irritated....  I hope this is not a precursor to depression or hypomania....  I hate feeling like this!
The last little while I have been very isolated during the weekdays...no urge to call or talk to anyone, bored, lonely.....  But the only person to blame is myself.  I wish I were more outgoing and less awkward in social circumstances.

Here is a link to a great documentary by Steven Fry about bipolar disorder.

What I do know...

I have been working through a workbook for bipolar disorder and have found some important tools for dealing with my disorder.  1. Take medications at the same time each day.  I am on 225mg Effexor XR daily and 15mg Mirtazapine daily at bedtime.  I am not on a mood stabilizer at this time as we are trying for another baby and those medications are closely linked with birth defects.  2.  Sleep at least 8 hours each night, and try to go to bed and wake up the same time each day.  3.  Eat regular healthy meals, no skipping breakfast or lunch!  I don't have trouble with this one as the mirtazapine has given me a feeling of hunger on a continuous basis... I am more plump to prove it... something I wish wasn't a side effect.  I wish my husband would keep his mouth shut when I have a piece of dessert, I hate how he is stuck on my physical appearance, I am not fat and never intend on allowing that to happen.  4.  Get regular exercise, I try to do this but I hate exercising and have yet to find something I don't mind doing on a daily basis.  Biking is fun but very hard, I have a trailer for my daughter attached to my bike and this adds a good 60lbs - it is tough on the hills.  5.  Have a plan each day, do not sit around and waste time and procrastinate.  I find if I do not plan my time on days off work I have a habit of sitting around doing nothing and then feel terrible for being so lazy.  I am still struggling with this as I don't socialize much, years of social isolation has left me feeling lonely....  I hope to find more mommy friends and connect with those around me.  I am socially awkward with those I don't know well unless I am manic.  I don't know what to say, and am always afraid that people don't like me.  I am different and I know that, it's just a matter of finding someone I really get along with well.  A task that is proving to be most difficult.

More about medication: I was very resistant to going on to medications when I was first struggling with my really bad depression around the age of 16-20.  At that time my doctors thought I had major depressive disorder, a common thing that happens with bipolar people.  We have a tendency to only seek help when we are feeling so low that our family is in a panic that we may commit suicide or we ourselves are contemplating it.  We don't seek help when we are manic, the main reason for this is because of course we feel fantastic, on top of the world, grandiose as many call it.  

The effexor I take controls my depression to a good degree, and the mirtazapine calms my anxiety enough that I can relax, not chew the inside of my cheeks and fingers apart, and sleep.  I have not had a manic episode since taking these medications for the last two months, and I hope that it staves off until I become pregnant.  Oh how I wish to be pregnant!  For whatever reason pregnancy is when I feel my best, I am at ease, I have no mania, I am happy, I feel normal....something at no other time in my life has ever occurred.  

I battled with the thought of having a family with my illness, I fear passing it on to my children.  But on the other hands I don't want to regret not ever having a family, it is the one thing I have always wanted. In a way it is why I am here, I was never interested in pursuing a career full time, working was never a passion.  Sure I like my job but I would much rather raise children, create a home,  and have lasting relationships and memories.  I may have cyclothymia, but it is not who I am, I refuse to allow it to define who I am.  The one thing I hate the most is the stigma associated with mental illness, I wish it were viewed like any other chronic condition - such as diabetes.  I hate feeling like if people know about my condition that they will judge me, think less of me, etc...  I did not choose this disease, it is not a lifestyle choice...I would never wish this on my worst enemy...  I hope that I can control my bipolar impulses, that it will not destroy my life....  I hope...  I hope.... I hope....

Introduction

I started this blog as an outlet for myself and also in the hopes that someone else out there might feel the same way I do and be helped or comforted to know that they are not alone.  I am 32 years old and I live in Canada.  I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder a few months ago.  My life has been a roller coaster ride of moods since about the age of 13.  I didn't know why I was always making poor decisions, ruining relationships, stuck in deep depressions for prolonged periods of time, and having periods of high elevated moods.  All I knew was that I was different from everyone else, as a result I had a tendency to isolate myself, something that I still have a tendency to do.  I sometimes feel like I'm two different people sharing one body.  When I'm feeling high (hypomanic) I am in a nutshell pleasure seeking...my drug of choice is sex.  I am married to the love of my life and we have a young child.  So as you might well imagine my husband would be happy that my drug of choice is sex.  Well at first it was, until I started looking for sexual partners outside of our marriage.  I knew that this behavior was wrong but I didn't care, that is a hallmark of cyclothymia and bipolar - whatever it is that is our pleasure we don't care at the time that it is bad or what the consequences might be.  I have been caught numerous times seeking outside relationships, or in outside relationships by my husband.  And I don't know why my husband sticks by me but he does...I guess you could call that love.  Our life has been rocked by my disorder and I struggle everyday with what I have done.