What I do know...

I have been working through a workbook for bipolar disorder and have found some important tools for dealing with my disorder.  1. Take medications at the same time each day.  I am on 225mg Effexor XR daily and 15mg Mirtazapine daily at bedtime.  I am not on a mood stabilizer at this time as we are trying for another baby and those medications are closely linked with birth defects.  2.  Sleep at least 8 hours each night, and try to go to bed and wake up the same time each day.  3.  Eat regular healthy meals, no skipping breakfast or lunch!  I don't have trouble with this one as the mirtazapine has given me a feeling of hunger on a continuous basis... I am more plump to prove it... something I wish wasn't a side effect.  I wish my husband would keep his mouth shut when I have a piece of dessert, I hate how he is stuck on my physical appearance, I am not fat and never intend on allowing that to happen.  4.  Get regular exercise, I try to do this but I hate exercising and have yet to find something I don't mind doing on a daily basis.  Biking is fun but very hard, I have a trailer for my daughter attached to my bike and this adds a good 60lbs - it is tough on the hills.  5.  Have a plan each day, do not sit around and waste time and procrastinate.  I find if I do not plan my time on days off work I have a habit of sitting around doing nothing and then feel terrible for being so lazy.  I am still struggling with this as I don't socialize much, years of social isolation has left me feeling lonely....  I hope to find more mommy friends and connect with those around me.  I am socially awkward with those I don't know well unless I am manic.  I don't know what to say, and am always afraid that people don't like me.  I am different and I know that, it's just a matter of finding someone I really get along with well.  A task that is proving to be most difficult.

More about medication: I was very resistant to going on to medications when I was first struggling with my really bad depression around the age of 16-20.  At that time my doctors thought I had major depressive disorder, a common thing that happens with bipolar people.  We have a tendency to only seek help when we are feeling so low that our family is in a panic that we may commit suicide or we ourselves are contemplating it.  We don't seek help when we are manic, the main reason for this is because of course we feel fantastic, on top of the world, grandiose as many call it.  

The effexor I take controls my depression to a good degree, and the mirtazapine calms my anxiety enough that I can relax, not chew the inside of my cheeks and fingers apart, and sleep.  I have not had a manic episode since taking these medications for the last two months, and I hope that it staves off until I become pregnant.  Oh how I wish to be pregnant!  For whatever reason pregnancy is when I feel my best, I am at ease, I have no mania, I am happy, I feel normal....something at no other time in my life has ever occurred.  

I battled with the thought of having a family with my illness, I fear passing it on to my children.  But on the other hands I don't want to regret not ever having a family, it is the one thing I have always wanted. In a way it is why I am here, I was never interested in pursuing a career full time, working was never a passion.  Sure I like my job but I would much rather raise children, create a home,  and have lasting relationships and memories.  I may have cyclothymia, but it is not who I am, I refuse to allow it to define who I am.  The one thing I hate the most is the stigma associated with mental illness, I wish it were viewed like any other chronic condition - such as diabetes.  I hate feeling like if people know about my condition that they will judge me, think less of me, etc...  I did not choose this disease, it is not a lifestyle choice...I would never wish this on my worst enemy...  I hope that I can control my bipolar impulses, that it will not destroy my life....  I hope...  I hope.... I hope....