Aaaagh!! Rapid Cycling

The last few days I've been waking up feeling relatively normal.  As the day progresses my mood shifts into self pity, loneliness, and depression.  And by the time I'm ready to go to bed I am so depressed I start crying and having thoughts that this life is not worth living.  I go to sleep to wake feeling normal again and again by bed time I am in the same depressed state... how I hate not having control over my moods.  What I would give to have relief.  Such is the bipolar life.....   

We Lie

People with Bipolar lie. We lead secret lives. People walk by and they ask breezily, "How are you?"
And we have to lie.
Because 1. They really do not want to know how we feel. "How are you?" is a social marker to indicate that you notice someone exists. Explaining how we really feel would take some time, is too intimate a reveal, would invite criticism or pity or, maybe worse yet, advice...
So we keep it inside. Lying, hiding, shying away from self-revelation becomes a way of being.
I am an incredibly good listener. People open up to me and tell me things they have never told anyone else. Am I a good listener because I want to hear all about them? Not always. But it does mean that while we are talking about them, we are not talking about me!
It is the simple "how are you's" that get me.
So I have affected this very even, extremely polite, interested in what the other person has to say demeanor and I do this even when the inside of me is SCREAMING.
I even lie to my husband. He called and said he was going out and would not be home for dinner. I said great and then I settled in for a nice cry (I was reaching the bottom of my crash), took some trazadone, and planned to take a hot shower and eat comfort food while weeping over a movie...but he stopped by to get a jacket. He called up the stairs, I called down. He asked "What are you doing?" Ah. I came out of the hills with my hands up, "Oh, just having a panic attack, boo hooo hooo, don't mind me...it will pass..." "Do you want me to stay home?" "Oh, no, no need, boooooooooooo...." I sincerely did not think he needed to stay home with me. I know a crash when it happens, it's a physical thing...so I downplayed it and he left...but he did come back early and we did watch some TV together like we do every evening.
I think the mood swings are my business. They are not connected to reality so why cling to them, just let them go. That's why I always reply "I'm fine" when people ask, because underneath it all, I am fine.