Great Quote!

“Forgiveness is a strange thing.

It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends.

It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. “ 

-Fred Rogers

Loneliness....

I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.

I don’t reach out to friends. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal.  I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.

Aaaagh!! Rapid Cycling

The last few days I've been waking up feeling relatively normal.  As the day progresses my mood shifts into self pity, loneliness, and depression.  And by the time I'm ready to go to bed I am so depressed I start crying and having thoughts that this life is not worth living.  I go to sleep to wake feeling normal again and again by bed time I am in the same depressed state... how I hate not having control over my moods.  What I would give to have relief.  Such is the bipolar life.....   

We Lie

People with Bipolar lie. We lead secret lives. People walk by and they ask breezily, "How are you?"
And we have to lie.
Because 1. They really do not want to know how we feel. "How are you?" is a social marker to indicate that you notice someone exists. Explaining how we really feel would take some time, is too intimate a reveal, would invite criticism or pity or, maybe worse yet, advice...
So we keep it inside. Lying, hiding, shying away from self-revelation becomes a way of being.
I am an incredibly good listener. People open up to me and tell me things they have never told anyone else. Am I a good listener because I want to hear all about them? Not always. But it does mean that while we are talking about them, we are not talking about me!
It is the simple "how are you's" that get me.
So I have affected this very even, extremely polite, interested in what the other person has to say demeanor and I do this even when the inside of me is SCREAMING.
I even lie to my husband. He called and said he was going out and would not be home for dinner. I said great and then I settled in for a nice cry (I was reaching the bottom of my crash), took some trazadone, and planned to take a hot shower and eat comfort food while weeping over a movie...but he stopped by to get a jacket. He called up the stairs, I called down. He asked "What are you doing?" Ah. I came out of the hills with my hands up, "Oh, just having a panic attack, boo hooo hooo, don't mind me...it will pass..." "Do you want me to stay home?" "Oh, no, no need, boooooooooooo...." I sincerely did not think he needed to stay home with me. I know a crash when it happens, it's a physical thing...so I downplayed it and he left...but he did come back early and we did watch some TV together like we do every evening.
I think the mood swings are my business. They are not connected to reality so why cling to them, just let them go. That's why I always reply "I'm fine" when people ask, because underneath it all, I am fine.

Hypomania...a double edged sword

I always seem to have trouble keeping tabs on my mood.  I can switch moods so quickly sometimes I don't even grasp that it's happening.  I become irrational...  So here is a list of symptoms of hypomania, it helps to serve a reminder that you don't usually do these types of things.  A great way to protect you or your family from grief.

Hypomania symptoms

•      You don't need much sleep.

•      You're more talkative than usual or feel pressure to keep talking.

•      You are experiencing a flight of ideas or feel that your thoughts are racing.

•      You are easily distracted.

•      You are driven toward accomplishing specific goals (either socially - at work or school - or sexually) or you are experiencing psychomotor agitation.

•       You have grandiose thinking. For example, you believe you are better than anyone else at doing something or that you can accomplish a difficult task in hours instead of days.

•       You've become excessively involved with pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences, such as unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments.

Some Expressions of Hypomania

Here are just a few examples of hypomanic behavior:

•               Hypersexuality, which may take many forms such as making unusual demands on your partner, making inappropriate sexual advances, having affairs or spending a great deal of money on phone sex, Internet pornography or prostitutes.

•               Unusual irritability, excitement, hostility or aggression.

•               Behaving inappropriately; for example, making crude remarks at a dinner party.

•               Spending recklessly, such as buying a car when you can't possibly make the payments.

•               Talking so fast that it's difficult for others to understand.

•               Dressing and behaving flamboyantly.

•               Jumping from one subject to an unrelated subject while speaking to someone.

•                Taking chances you normally wouldn't because you "feel lucky."

Excellent video about the stigma of mental illness, a hope to change attitudes.....

Change in Medication

So a week yesterday I went in to see my doctor, my prescriptions had run out.  We have decided to stop the mirtazipine as the weight gain was worrisome.  And I am now taking Trazadone 50mg before bed each day.  The first few days of transition were a bit rough.  I was having bizarre dreams, a reduced need for sleep, and extremely tired during the day.  My anxiety started to ramp up but today my symptoms have started to subside.  Thankfully!  Fingers crossed that no side effects occur and life can continue as best as it can when you have a mood disorder.
Aug. 1st: my dosage has settled out to 2 pills every day at bedtime.  Feeling more optimistic, sleeping!, no more anxiety!

Feeling uneasy

Don't know what it is but today I have been feeling uneasy...a tinge anxious.  Headache looming, irritated....  I hope this is not a precursor to depression or hypomania....  I hate feeling like this!
The last little while I have been very isolated during the weekdays...no urge to call or talk to anyone, bored, lonely.....  But the only person to blame is myself.  I wish I were more outgoing and less awkward in social circumstances.

Here is a link to a great documentary by Steven Fry about bipolar disorder.

What I do know...

I have been working through a workbook for bipolar disorder and have found some important tools for dealing with my disorder.  1. Take medications at the same time each day.  I am on 225mg Effexor XR daily and 15mg Mirtazapine daily at bedtime.  I am not on a mood stabilizer at this time as we are trying for another baby and those medications are closely linked with birth defects.  2.  Sleep at least 8 hours each night, and try to go to bed and wake up the same time each day.  3.  Eat regular healthy meals, no skipping breakfast or lunch!  I don't have trouble with this one as the mirtazapine has given me a feeling of hunger on a continuous basis... I am more plump to prove it... something I wish wasn't a side effect.  I wish my husband would keep his mouth shut when I have a piece of dessert, I hate how he is stuck on my physical appearance, I am not fat and never intend on allowing that to happen.  4.  Get regular exercise, I try to do this but I hate exercising and have yet to find something I don't mind doing on a daily basis.  Biking is fun but very hard, I have a trailer for my daughter attached to my bike and this adds a good 60lbs - it is tough on the hills.  5.  Have a plan each day, do not sit around and waste time and procrastinate.  I find if I do not plan my time on days off work I have a habit of sitting around doing nothing and then feel terrible for being so lazy.  I am still struggling with this as I don't socialize much, years of social isolation has left me feeling lonely....  I hope to find more mommy friends and connect with those around me.  I am socially awkward with those I don't know well unless I am manic.  I don't know what to say, and am always afraid that people don't like me.  I am different and I know that, it's just a matter of finding someone I really get along with well.  A task that is proving to be most difficult.

More about medication: I was very resistant to going on to medications when I was first struggling with my really bad depression around the age of 16-20.  At that time my doctors thought I had major depressive disorder, a common thing that happens with bipolar people.  We have a tendency to only seek help when we are feeling so low that our family is in a panic that we may commit suicide or we ourselves are contemplating it.  We don't seek help when we are manic, the main reason for this is because of course we feel fantastic, on top of the world, grandiose as many call it.  

The effexor I take controls my depression to a good degree, and the mirtazapine calms my anxiety enough that I can relax, not chew the inside of my cheeks and fingers apart, and sleep.  I have not had a manic episode since taking these medications for the last two months, and I hope that it staves off until I become pregnant.  Oh how I wish to be pregnant!  For whatever reason pregnancy is when I feel my best, I am at ease, I have no mania, I am happy, I feel normal....something at no other time in my life has ever occurred.  

I battled with the thought of having a family with my illness, I fear passing it on to my children.  But on the other hands I don't want to regret not ever having a family, it is the one thing I have always wanted. In a way it is why I am here, I was never interested in pursuing a career full time, working was never a passion.  Sure I like my job but I would much rather raise children, create a home,  and have lasting relationships and memories.  I may have cyclothymia, but it is not who I am, I refuse to allow it to define who I am.  The one thing I hate the most is the stigma associated with mental illness, I wish it were viewed like any other chronic condition - such as diabetes.  I hate feeling like if people know about my condition that they will judge me, think less of me, etc...  I did not choose this disease, it is not a lifestyle choice...I would never wish this on my worst enemy...  I hope that I can control my bipolar impulses, that it will not destroy my life....  I hope...  I hope.... I hope....

Introduction

I started this blog as an outlet for myself and also in the hopes that someone else out there might feel the same way I do and be helped or comforted to know that they are not alone.  I am 32 years old and I live in Canada.  I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder a few months ago.  My life has been a roller coaster ride of moods since about the age of 13.  I didn't know why I was always making poor decisions, ruining relationships, stuck in deep depressions for prolonged periods of time, and having periods of high elevated moods.  All I knew was that I was different from everyone else, as a result I had a tendency to isolate myself, something that I still have a tendency to do.  I sometimes feel like I'm two different people sharing one body.  When I'm feeling high (hypomanic) I am in a nutshell pleasure seeking...my drug of choice is sex.  I am married to the love of my life and we have a young child.  So as you might well imagine my husband would be happy that my drug of choice is sex.  Well at first it was, until I started looking for sexual partners outside of our marriage.  I knew that this behavior was wrong but I didn't care, that is a hallmark of cyclothymia and bipolar - whatever it is that is our pleasure we don't care at the time that it is bad or what the consequences might be.  I have been caught numerous times seeking outside relationships, or in outside relationships by my husband.  And I don't know why my husband sticks by me but he does...I guess you could call that love.  Our life has been rocked by my disorder and I struggle everyday with what I have done.