I am absolutely terrible about writing on here. But here we go again.
Our youngest child is now nearly 13 months old and an absolute joy. Our eldest is now 5 years old and in Kindergarten. I am a stay at home mom now and we moved out of the city to a rural neighbourhood, it's idyllic to say the least living here. We are close to the Rocky Mountains, wildlife frequents our property, it's not strange to see a family of deer peering back at you through your window in the early morning or evening.
I have had a long period of mental stability, not to say that I don't still have dark days or insomnia or anxiety. Believe me I still have my daily struggles, but I have noticed that these periods do not last for all that long and are usually a result of me not doing those things that promote my own wellness. I sometimes don't eat regularly or drink enough fluids, I sometimes don't go to bed at night even though I know I should, or I don't reach out and socialize, or go outside and get some exercise and fresh air. I struggle to be good, but it's easier at times to be lazy and sick.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Uselessness…...
I will be able to breast feed with the new meds. Thank goodness! Still feel ok, but not quite right. I guess just a bit lonely as husband hasn't much to say to me, he seems really tired these days and less than pleased with my behaviour too. He knows that I sometimes neglect the kids - let the baby cry too long sometimes, ignore our four year old while she runs around the house playing with what not, not getting dinner made, not walking the dogs, not cleaning the house. It just seems when I get like this I just don't have the will or power to do anything. I actually think that I need to rehome our pets because I just don't have it in me to attend to their needs - walking them everyday seems like it should be an easy task…but when it's cold out, the sidewalks are so icy you fear that you might fall and break yourself, and you can't push a stroller because of the huge piles of ice/snow surrounding every corner. That leaves you with two dogs, a baby in a front carrier, and the reality that you will probably fall down and hurt yourself, walking is just not pleasant or even conceivable on the best of days. The poor dogs just sit here all day and sleep and look depressed. They deserve so much more, I just don't know how to tell anyone that this is what I think should be done. They will say I'm horrible, uncaring, etcetera… and husband will definitely lose it on me. But he doesn't want to walk them, he's usually so tired at the end of the day that it's not even a consideration for him. What to do, what to do…. Fuck I hate feeling like a useless lump, must force myself to go out and feel good, and be happy, and active, and amazing. Bipolar has taken it away… And here I am at 2:30 am sitting here…not sleeping when I should be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
New medication...again...
Went to my psychiatrist appointment today. Told her about my dark thoughts, my rage, my irritability. And we are going to finally try a mood stabilizer. Seroquel here we go. Will eventually wean myself off of the Trazodone if all goes well. I hope that this will get my mood swings under control, and also puts depression down to almost nothing. Perhaps this is wishful thinking. A bonus of course is that I can continue to breastfeed! My kids deserve a mom who is there for them 100%, who isn't ignoring them, who isn't sad. I deserve it too, and my husband most of all - he has put up with so much. I'm exhausted... good night all.
Other disappointing things about me
Feeling better as of yesterday, depression has lifted... yet again. I'm still going to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow, tell her how I was feeling super shitty for a few days - she'll ask about changing meds, dosage, etc... I don't want to mess with meds yet again - more often than not messing with them just puts me into a deeper depression and I return to my usual dosages or drugs to bring myself back to what I can handle. If you call being stable for the most part, still avoiding people out of my trusted circle of people, mostly bored, and disappointed in myself, handling it. It's better than wanting to die or swinging in to fits of rage and irritability. I find sometimes I'm downright dangerous, or neglectful. I can tune out just about anything without any trouble, child screaming? no problem - ignore it... until you feel bad and go and pick up the baby. Preschooler running around doing god knows what? no problem - become blind to what's going on until a) she's crying b) doing something destructive c) or dangerous...
Two rambunctious dogs? lock them out in the yard and ignore them. Cat annoying you or getting into things? lock her in the basement and ignore her cries for release...
Yes I'm good at tuning out, tuning out to a fault. To the point I feel awful about the time I've wasted, for ignoring my child, realizing I haven't eaten anything for 6 hours or drank anything for an entire day, or staying up far too late. I just don't know how to stop, how to live in the moment, to connect to my kids and my husband.
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. The entire right side of my head just hurts... throbs.... Advil takes most of the pain away but it doesn't last long. Perhaps it's a result of sleep deprivation, sleeping wrong while breastfeeding in bed and making room for baby - my neck and shoulders are usually stiff and sore, or my chronic dehydration. I weighed myself the other day, now down 10 lbs, not trying to lose weight... just not eating anything between breakfast and dinner.
Don't know how to break my bad habits. I guess if I felt good, rested, optimistic I would make more of an effort.
Two rambunctious dogs? lock them out in the yard and ignore them. Cat annoying you or getting into things? lock her in the basement and ignore her cries for release...
Yes I'm good at tuning out, tuning out to a fault. To the point I feel awful about the time I've wasted, for ignoring my child, realizing I haven't eaten anything for 6 hours or drank anything for an entire day, or staying up far too late. I just don't know how to stop, how to live in the moment, to connect to my kids and my husband.
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. The entire right side of my head just hurts... throbs.... Advil takes most of the pain away but it doesn't last long. Perhaps it's a result of sleep deprivation, sleeping wrong while breastfeeding in bed and making room for baby - my neck and shoulders are usually stiff and sore, or my chronic dehydration. I weighed myself the other day, now down 10 lbs, not trying to lose weight... just not eating anything between breakfast and dinner.
Don't know how to break my bad habits. I guess if I felt good, rested, optimistic I would make more of an effort.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Don't give a damn, but then I do...
I have those fleeting thoughts while laying in bed in the early morning about not wanting to exist. How I might kill myself. But, then I automatically start thinking about how I don't want to make a mess, so the location then becomes the bathroom. Then, I have to start thinking about how I don't want my kids to be alone, and how to have someone be here right after I am dead to take care of them. It then just becomes a logistical nightmare and I give up on the whole thought process. And in reality it's not something I would ever do anyways. I love my family too much to cause them that type of pain.
Dark Thoughts
So right now my medications are:
Effexor XR 225mg/day, Zoloft 50mg/day, Trazodone 100mg/day.
Mood swings are still there. Last week I didn't leave the house for 3 days, not even to go outside. And of course this added to feeling depressed. I was supposed to go out with a local moms group a couple times but decided that I didn't want to get out of bed that early - they were for 9:15am. And with my daughter being in afternoon classes M-F a chance to sleep in is not usually missed. Our new baby was born on August 19, a girl - happy and healthy. She just turned 5 months today - sleep has of course been only 4 hours at a time at night - with breastfeeding and diaper changes.
Another symptom of depression that I have is irritability. My children do not irritate me, but the four legged animals in our house do. Our cat drives me nuts - she meows constantly - and when it's around feeding time she is downright obnoxious. She cries constantly and attempts to trip me until I fill her bowl. Even when I go to fill her dish she is so impatient that she will usually slap my hand while I pour the food.
So while I was in an especially bad mood I just couldn't take the noise coming from her anymore and scruffed her, grabbed her by the throat and squeezed while promptly tossing her out on to the front porch. I sometimes get so irritated that I have a tendency to lash out. I am not proud of this and actually ashamed of my actions. I even had contemplated how to kill her on more than one occasion.
Our two dogs on the other hand are just dirty beasts. They eat poo on a continuous basis, and destroy any kind of cleaning that takes place around here. I do not lash out at them, but I really don't see a need for them. I have thought about giving them away or taking them to a shelter, but I know this would be seen as completely unacceptable by my family. And the problem also lies with me, I decided to get all of these pets in the first place.
It seems that after having children that my patience for our furries has completely disappeared.
I am making a conscious effort to get to bed at a decent time each night, my husband goes to bed around 11-1130pm so I just follow along. I do still fall into the habit of staying up until 4 or 5am on a frequent basis. And when I do so I find myself sneaking up to bed and hope that my husband doesn't catch me up at that hour. I tiptoe up the stairs, get undressed and into a nightshirt in the bathroom, and very gingerly I slip under the covers to be undetected.
My personal hygiene is usually something that suffers as well, I will go without showering for 4 or 5 days at a time, my hair gets all greasy, I neglect to brush my teeth, and I don't look in the mirror except for the half second it takes to brush my hair. I have to go get 4 fillings this month as of course without taking care of my mouth I have to pay the price. Very rarely will I wear a stitch of makeup, unless I am going somewhere and feel ashamed of my unkept appearance. Very frequently I just don't care enough to make an effort, I just don't see the point.
Somehow I still manage to care for my children - they are never neglected. I only save that for myself, I have lost 10lbs just due to the fact that I usually don't eat anything in the afternoon. So I usually eat a half decent breakfast with my older daughter, once she is off to school I just don't make the effort to prepare anything for myself while I'm on my own. And once my husband and her have arrived home later I do make dinner. I usually have a large portion and a dessert. I also don't usually consume enough water and am chronically dehydrated.
I have an appointment on Tuesday with my psychiatrist to tell her all of this and see what she says. I will post an update then.
Effexor XR 225mg/day, Zoloft 50mg/day, Trazodone 100mg/day.
Mood swings are still there. Last week I didn't leave the house for 3 days, not even to go outside. And of course this added to feeling depressed. I was supposed to go out with a local moms group a couple times but decided that I didn't want to get out of bed that early - they were for 9:15am. And with my daughter being in afternoon classes M-F a chance to sleep in is not usually missed. Our new baby was born on August 19, a girl - happy and healthy. She just turned 5 months today - sleep has of course been only 4 hours at a time at night - with breastfeeding and diaper changes.
Another symptom of depression that I have is irritability. My children do not irritate me, but the four legged animals in our house do. Our cat drives me nuts - she meows constantly - and when it's around feeding time she is downright obnoxious. She cries constantly and attempts to trip me until I fill her bowl. Even when I go to fill her dish she is so impatient that she will usually slap my hand while I pour the food.
So while I was in an especially bad mood I just couldn't take the noise coming from her anymore and scruffed her, grabbed her by the throat and squeezed while promptly tossing her out on to the front porch. I sometimes get so irritated that I have a tendency to lash out. I am not proud of this and actually ashamed of my actions. I even had contemplated how to kill her on more than one occasion.
Our two dogs on the other hand are just dirty beasts. They eat poo on a continuous basis, and destroy any kind of cleaning that takes place around here. I do not lash out at them, but I really don't see a need for them. I have thought about giving them away or taking them to a shelter, but I know this would be seen as completely unacceptable by my family. And the problem also lies with me, I decided to get all of these pets in the first place.
It seems that after having children that my patience for our furries has completely disappeared.
I am making a conscious effort to get to bed at a decent time each night, my husband goes to bed around 11-1130pm so I just follow along. I do still fall into the habit of staying up until 4 or 5am on a frequent basis. And when I do so I find myself sneaking up to bed and hope that my husband doesn't catch me up at that hour. I tiptoe up the stairs, get undressed and into a nightshirt in the bathroom, and very gingerly I slip under the covers to be undetected.
My personal hygiene is usually something that suffers as well, I will go without showering for 4 or 5 days at a time, my hair gets all greasy, I neglect to brush my teeth, and I don't look in the mirror except for the half second it takes to brush my hair. I have to go get 4 fillings this month as of course without taking care of my mouth I have to pay the price. Very rarely will I wear a stitch of makeup, unless I am going somewhere and feel ashamed of my unkept appearance. Very frequently I just don't care enough to make an effort, I just don't see the point.
Somehow I still manage to care for my children - they are never neglected. I only save that for myself, I have lost 10lbs just due to the fact that I usually don't eat anything in the afternoon. So I usually eat a half decent breakfast with my older daughter, once she is off to school I just don't make the effort to prepare anything for myself while I'm on my own. And once my husband and her have arrived home later I do make dinner. I usually have a large portion and a dessert. I also don't usually consume enough water and am chronically dehydrated.
I have an appointment on Tuesday with my psychiatrist to tell her all of this and see what she says. I will post an update then.
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