Hey I'm back

Well it's been ages since I've posted here.  And I do apologize.  So I thought I would catch everyone up on what has been happening since then.

Well first thing, we're having another baby!  We are due at the end of August and are beyond thrilled.  We don't know if it's a boy or a girl - I love surprises.  I finished work to go on mat leave just last week, as my job required me to be on my feet for most of the day - my back and pelvis couldn't take it anymore.  So with 7 weeks left to prepare and spend a gorgeous summer with my 4 year old daughter.

As far as the bipolar goes I have been feeling good, pregnancy agrees with my brain and all those good hormones stabilize me to a good extent.  I am still taking 225mg effexor and 100mg Trazadone everyday, but why mess with something if it's working for you right?

My doctor has put in a referral for me at the Women's mental health center here at the local hospital.  It's for pregnant and postpartum mom's dealing with mental health issues.  A safety net she has called it, just in case there is a sudden shift in my moods before or after this baby is born.  So I go for my first meet and greet in a few weeks time with the psychiatrist on staff.

I have improved in the area of social isolation, with feeling relatively "normal" I have reached out more to those few friends that I have.  My sister and I have also gotten together more and have become closer.  My mom is also a huge support and is always there if I need her, even if it's just to get out of the house when I know I need to.  My daughter is also very busy and helps to get me going and out doing things as she gets bored easily and I want her to do the normal childhood things like riding her bike, going to the zoo, playing outside on a hot day, going to the pool etc....

Mental illness is so much easier to manage when you have a strong support system.  I also found out with my last breakdown who my real friends were.  Those who were too scared or uncomfortable soon fell to the wayside and avoided me like the plague.  But the ones who stuck by me were the few but the ones who saw me and not my illness.  I am so thankful to have them in my life.

Great Quote!

“Forgiveness is a strange thing.

It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends.

It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. “ 

-Fred Rogers

Loneliness....

I tend to isolate myself. I am not sure whether it is connected with being bipolar. There might be a subconscious desire not to make new friends. The illness has cost me so many friendships. I got tired of explaining and apologising. It might seem convenient to avoid building new relationships.

I don’t reach out to friends. That is something I have to work on. I seem to have acquaintances rather than friends. I see a friend as someone you meet occasionally, maybe for a pint or a coffee. A friend will come round to visit, call on the phone or join you for a restaurant meal.  I have rarely had friends as I described. It doesn’t help that I have an apparent phobia about using the phone. Don’t get me wrong. I like people and I like to be with them. It is possible that my social isolation is more to do with my personal character than it is do with being bipolar. Bipolar just adds a few more challenges to the task.

Aaaagh!! Rapid Cycling

The last few days I've been waking up feeling relatively normal.  As the day progresses my mood shifts into self pity, loneliness, and depression.  And by the time I'm ready to go to bed I am so depressed I start crying and having thoughts that this life is not worth living.  I go to sleep to wake feeling normal again and again by bed time I am in the same depressed state... how I hate not having control over my moods.  What I would give to have relief.  Such is the bipolar life.....   

We Lie

People with Bipolar lie. We lead secret lives. People walk by and they ask breezily, "How are you?"
And we have to lie.
Because 1. They really do not want to know how we feel. "How are you?" is a social marker to indicate that you notice someone exists. Explaining how we really feel would take some time, is too intimate a reveal, would invite criticism or pity or, maybe worse yet, advice...
So we keep it inside. Lying, hiding, shying away from self-revelation becomes a way of being.
I am an incredibly good listener. People open up to me and tell me things they have never told anyone else. Am I a good listener because I want to hear all about them? Not always. But it does mean that while we are talking about them, we are not talking about me!
It is the simple "how are you's" that get me.
So I have affected this very even, extremely polite, interested in what the other person has to say demeanor and I do this even when the inside of me is SCREAMING.
I even lie to my husband. He called and said he was going out and would not be home for dinner. I said great and then I settled in for a nice cry (I was reaching the bottom of my crash), took some trazadone, and planned to take a hot shower and eat comfort food while weeping over a movie...but he stopped by to get a jacket. He called up the stairs, I called down. He asked "What are you doing?" Ah. I came out of the hills with my hands up, "Oh, just having a panic attack, boo hooo hooo, don't mind me...it will pass..." "Do you want me to stay home?" "Oh, no, no need, boooooooooooo...." I sincerely did not think he needed to stay home with me. I know a crash when it happens, it's a physical thing...so I downplayed it and he left...but he did come back early and we did watch some TV together like we do every evening.
I think the mood swings are my business. They are not connected to reality so why cling to them, just let them go. That's why I always reply "I'm fine" when people ask, because underneath it all, I am fine.

Hypomania...a double edged sword

I always seem to have trouble keeping tabs on my mood.  I can switch moods so quickly sometimes I don't even grasp that it's happening.  I become irrational...  So here is a list of symptoms of hypomania, it helps to serve a reminder that you don't usually do these types of things.  A great way to protect you or your family from grief.

Hypomania symptoms

•      You don't need much sleep.

•      You're more talkative than usual or feel pressure to keep talking.

•      You are experiencing a flight of ideas or feel that your thoughts are racing.

•      You are easily distracted.

•      You are driven toward accomplishing specific goals (either socially - at work or school - or sexually) or you are experiencing psychomotor agitation.

•       You have grandiose thinking. For example, you believe you are better than anyone else at doing something or that you can accomplish a difficult task in hours instead of days.

•       You've become excessively involved with pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences, such as unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments.

Some Expressions of Hypomania

Here are just a few examples of hypomanic behavior:

•               Hypersexuality, which may take many forms such as making unusual demands on your partner, making inappropriate sexual advances, having affairs or spending a great deal of money on phone sex, Internet pornography or prostitutes.

•               Unusual irritability, excitement, hostility or aggression.

•               Behaving inappropriately; for example, making crude remarks at a dinner party.

•               Spending recklessly, such as buying a car when you can't possibly make the payments.

•               Talking so fast that it's difficult for others to understand.

•               Dressing and behaving flamboyantly.

•               Jumping from one subject to an unrelated subject while speaking to someone.

•                Taking chances you normally wouldn't because you "feel lucky."

Excellent video about the stigma of mental illness, a hope to change attitudes.....