Don't give a damn, but then I do...

I have those fleeting thoughts while laying in bed in the early morning about not wanting to exist.  How I might kill myself.  But, then I automatically start thinking about how I don't want to make a mess, so the location then becomes the bathroom.  Then, I have to start thinking about how I don't want my kids to be alone, and how to have someone be here right after I am dead to take care of them.  It then just becomes a logistical nightmare and I give up on the whole thought process.  And in reality it's not something I would ever do anyways.  I love my family too much to cause them that type of pain.