Uselessness…...

I will be able to breast feed with the new meds. Thank goodness! Still feel ok, but not quite right. I guess just a bit lonely as husband hasn't much to say to me, he seems really tired these days and less than pleased with my behaviour too. He knows that I sometimes neglect the kids - let the baby cry too long sometimes, ignore our four year old while she runs around the house playing with what not, not getting dinner made, not walking the dogs, not cleaning the house. It just seems when I get like this I just don't have the will or power to do anything. I actually think that I need to rehome our pets because I just don't have it in me to attend to their needs - walking them everyday seems like it should be an easy task…but when it's cold out, the sidewalks are so icy you fear that you might fall and break yourself, and you can't push a stroller because of the huge piles of ice/snow surrounding every corner. That leaves you with two dogs, a baby in a front carrier, and the reality that you will probably fall down and hurt yourself, walking is just not pleasant or even conceivable on the best of days. The poor dogs just sit here all day and sleep and look depressed. They deserve so much more, I just don't know how to tell anyone that this is what I think should be done. They will say I'm horrible, uncaring, etcetera… and husband will definitely lose it on me. But he doesn't want to walk them, he's usually so tired at the end of the day that it's not even a consideration for him. What to do, what to do…. Fuck I hate feeling like a useless lump, must force myself to go out and feel good, and be happy, and active, and amazing. Bipolar has taken it away… And here I am at 2:30 am sitting here…not sleeping when I should be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.